Offering Hope to the World

Today I was reflecting on how I felt 15 years ago on 01/15/2004. Honestly there isn't a lot I truly remember except how sick I truly was. You see 15 years ago on 03/09/04 I decided I had to conquer my addiction or I was going to be dead & my 14 year old son was not going to have a Mom!!!

It wasn't like I planned to stop, instead it took me getting fired from my job for being intoxicated at work to finally make that decision. When I made that decision I was on the brink of death. I was weighing approximately 88lbs soaking wet. I was vomiting bile every single day, My eyes were red with a yellow jaundice film over them. I had acute pancreatitis 3 times within a 4 year span. My liver was beginning to fail. I tell you all of this to not only share to you but I always like to remember how sick I truly was!!

I grew up in an Alcoholic home.My father (RIP) was an Alcoholic/Drug Addict/Wife Abuser. He unfortunately passed at the young age of 34. He was very sick for years & the Dr told him if he continued drinking he was going to die. He chose to continue & he ended up drowning in our bath tub on 12/07/1978. Not anything that a 13 year old should have to see, but I did.

I promised myself I was not going to become the alcoholic like my father!!! But as time went on it eventually grabbed me hard!!

Throughout my teenage years on I played around with alcohol & some drugs here & there, nothing major but enough to not be healthy. I got married a year out of high school to my high school sweetheart. Honestly it was just to get out of the house with my Step Dad & Mom.

The marriage didn't last long because of course he was an alcholic and I believe he had social anxiety. Me myself I am a Social Butterfly. So needless to say we didn't really do much together, always a fight to get out and do fun things. I decided to leave him which I did because I ran into my Best Friend in the world. The Father (Sperm Donor) of my 2 boys. He had already been in & out of prison a few times & I was going to be the one to change him.

We drank & partied a lot together did some drugs I should of never put into my body. I had every RED FLAG in the world not to stay with him!!! He himself was a Crack Addict/Alcoholic. Basically he was my father!!! He was a very abusive man & I was the girl who was still going to fix him!!! We began our so called relationship around 1986 no children of our own but he had 2 with a girl we went to school with. I became very close to the kids who I now call my Bonus Children!!!

I had my first son with him on 11/29/89 he was born 6 weeks early weighing just 4lbs 9 ozs & 17 1/2 inches long!!! He was just a little peanut!! Well I thought for sure this would change him!! It did not many more years of abuse & on 05/31/92 I was blessed with my 2nd son Cotey Mitchell!! In December of 1992 I was ready to be done with the abuse from him!! He was going to be moving to Florida with his Grandma on 12/11 & I was so happy. Well on that morning at 10:30 I went into my baby's room & he was not breathing. We unfortunatley lost him from SIDS!! A parents worst nightmare!!

I thought for sure this would change him!! But unfortunately this did not. I tried for another 2 years. He went to jail once again & I decided this was it!!! So I bought myself a little trailer & let a rebound relationship start. This was the start of my losing control of my drinking. He lived with my son & I for 2 years & we drank every single day. In this time we were living together my ex ended up getting in some trouble and incarcerated for 15-30 years!! I decided in 1998 to leave the relationship I was in & move with my son & vowed to not bring a man into his life unless I was 100% sure it was going to be good for my son.

I started working at a Golf Course in 1997 & shortly after my drinking became daily. So from 1997-2004 I drank every single moment my eyes were open unless I was in the hospital. I was a Functioning Alcoholic & always made sure my son was taken care of. In 2001 I changed jobs and began managing a Sports Bar, I was In & Out of the hospital but never gave that bottle up!!! I drank at work in the cooler, I knew the spots that the camera couldn't see me in. I was at home looking at myself in the mirror drinking shots of Listerene because I didn't have any alcohol in the house to help my shakes and vomiting go away!! I remember looking in the mirror and saying "Tammy Lyn what have you become? You are exactly what you said you were not going to be!! YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC!!"

By January & February of 2004 not only was I drinking daily but I was also taking pain pills daily to help with the pain from my pancreas & liver. The addiction had taken me completely over. On Saturday 03/07/04 I was taken by Ambulance to the hospital with a Blood Alcohol Content of .399 & was given IV's & told to stop drinking!! LOL I was an alcoholic not sure what they were thinking. I was sent home I went to a friends house that I knew they had alcohol in their refrigerator I drank all the next day & tried to go to work. There was 1 day a week that I didn't manage & I waited tables & this was the day. Needless to say it was a Hot Mess & I ended up getting sent home. Truly not sure how I got home all I know is the next day I had been fired. I pleaded with my bosses to please let me have my job back, How was I going to support my son? Fortunately they did not let me have my job back.

On 03/09/04 I looked out my window & knew that if I continued to do this to my body I was going to die and my Sweet son would not have a Dad who was still incarcerated. But he was not going to have a Mom because my body was shutting down. I got on my knees and prayed that God would help me overcome this madness. I visited a Pastor friend of mine & she prayed with me & gave me her bible & helped me to read the Psalms daily!! I love her for this.

For approximately 6 weeks everyday I would go to my ex-sister-in-laws house in the A.M. then go to an AA meeting, after that meeting I would go to another friends house & visit until my next meeting, then after that another friends house until the next meeting then back to their house until it was time for bed. For 6 weeks my friends welcomed me with open arms and I thank God for them Daily.

I have been Sober ever since and my story doesn't end there. My life has been and continues to be a journey of struggles & accomplishments & I cannot wait to share more with you all!!!